Florida. What a state. Why did I come? Why am I still here? These are valid questions with some complex answers. Let’s start with why I came… from the beginning.
I did V with Jason the day before I left to come here. Why? I have no idea. We were drunk, I had some on hand, why the hell not? It was a blast at first but the trip turned horrible when the realization sunk in that I had a girl’s night with Abi and Caroline to go to and I was still tremendously high. Actually to tell the truth, the trip started spiralling downwards when Jason and I were swimming and Alberto decided to fuck with us by creating a faux storm with all the pool controls.
Side note: yeah in case I don’t remember this when I’m old and senile, I’m making a note of it just for you diary. I have a bomb ass pool. Back when Caroline lived here she bought an insane upgrade that included the ability to make the pool have waves and all sorts of lights and fog and rain machines. Needless to say it’s a lot of fun… When you’re stone sober that is. I DO NOT recommend letting someone fuck with the controls when you’re flying high on V or probably any other drugs for that matter. At one point, I really did think we were going to die.
Anyways, after (what I now like to call) “the pool of death incident” I had remembered that I was supposed to already be at the girls night. Fuck. This is where I made the first bad decision in a long time. Jason left and I panicked because I was still very high and VERY paranoid. I went to Jenny’s room and searched her drawers. She sells drugs so naturally she has a pharmacy tucked away; I pawed through them until I found exactly what I was looking for. The one thing that sobers me up no matter how fucked up I am on any drug… Cocaine.
Diary, I know you are not a stranger to my sorted past aka my coke addiction. I promised you, myself and Brandon 4 years ago when I moved away from New York and back to Seattle that I would NEVER touch blow again. Then there I stood with a full bag of coke and a dilemma. I cracked, I cut up a line, I snorted it, I broke my own promise, I failed. From there it got worse.
I got to Caroline’s place and although the V high had now died down, the coke high had taken over in full effect. Caroline could sense something, I know she could but she didn’t say anything and went to take a bath while I hung out with Abi by the fire. I knew that I was acting sketchy. I kept going to the bathroom, I started drinking like a fish even though I had been drinking all day, I was chain smoking, and worst of all… I was talking SO much. The only reason she didn’t seem to notice was because she was so distraught with some issues she was having with Tray. Oh jeez, I can only imagine what kind of “advice” I gave her.
Jason ended up coming home. Actually I walked back into the house to use the bathroom to literally powder my nose and almost stepped right into a fight between him and Caroline. Apparently he didn’t heed my advice about cabbing to Merlotte’s and drove his truck right into a tree. From the looks of it, he was still kind of high when they were fighting. Scared that I would be blamed for Jason’s state, I ended up heading home that night even though I was supposed to be back first thing in the morning. You see Caroline and Jason were heading back to their new house in Florida and had invited Abi, Lafayette and I to come. Obviously we all said yes.
I considered not going, only because of how sketchy and paranoid I felt when I got back to the B&B. But after staying up all night doing lines in my bedroom alone, weighing my options, thinking about the much needed vacation, I decided to go. If anything being around Caroline, Jason and Abi would help keep me out of trouble, right? It would make me not want to do coke around them so essentially I would just not do coke, right? WRONG. Not only did I buckle under the pressure the first minute I got privacy in my guestroom but at night I barely even saw my closest friends.
I ended up meeting a group of randoms. The locals are so nice, so inviting, so welcoming, and the crowd that I met were clearly club kids. First of all I have to say that the nightlife in Florida is out of control, in a good way… or bad… I guess however you want to take that. These people were a shit tonne of fun though. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Some nights we even hopped 5 different clubs. But as soon as it was last call the plans were made and before I could even fathom a good excuse to head back to Caroline and Jason’s, I was already at some random mansion after party with 50 lines of coke in front of me.
I’m weak. I really am. If there is anything that I love in this world it’s a good soiree and a party aint a party without the favors. My moral compass was torn yet again… over and over again. When you’re in the heat of the moment you know that what you’re about to do is a bad idea but you do it anyways… at least I do. Every morning I woke up, my nose stuffed if not bleeding, my head cloudy, my conscious heavy and my body physically worn out yet I continued to sneak key bumps in the bathroom before going out and tanning with my friends… my REAL friends, the ones I was lying to and avoiding.
I decided I needed to take a leave of absence from my new party friends and leave Caroline and Jason’s house as well. The only way I would be good and keep myself away from doing more and more coke was to go and stay with my Auntie Liz. She is like a mother to me; I could never pull anything like that around her. I spent a lot of time sleeping and eating while I stayed with her. Basically my own brand of detox. It helped and it worked… for the time being at least. I was starting to get bored though but I didn’t want to go back to Bon Temps so soon.
What’s the harm in one night out? Yup that is exactly what the little devil on my shoulder asked me. I was so imprudent; I should have fought the urge to want to clear my head. Since being locked up (by choice of course) at Auntie Liz’s the wheels in my brain were turning. See that’s the funny thing about sitting idly, you just never know when you’re brain decides to take over on a whirlwind of insecure thoughts. All I could think about was Brier. Where was he? Why hadn’t he text or called? Was he okay? I love him so much that if ANYTHING were to happen to him I would have a mental break down. How is it possible that I have so much love for someone that doesn’t love me back, and furthermore barely even shows that he cares for me. That’s the fucked up thing about love. You can’t make sense of it; you can’t meld it to be exactly how you want it. You have to take the good with the bad and in my case… the bad just happened to be my unconditional and unreciprocated love for the newborn vampire. I mean I know Brier does care for me, just in his own asshole way… but they say love is blind. I believe it.
So with paranoid thoughts of Brier and not to mention Nate floating around in my head I decided to skip out of my own form of detox and spend a weekend with my new random friends in the heart of Miami. BIG MISTAKE. I don’t really need to go over the details, just picture fear and loathing… Miami style. There are parts I don’t remember, parts I wish I could forget but mostly, things… actions I can’t take back. I spent the entire weekend snorting my morals away and in a way, losing my soul. That’s what it felt like at least. At one point I looked around at the company I was keeping and actually burst hysterically into tears. To think no one found it odd either, they just sat there with a void look and kept snorting lines, yammering on about who knows what. What had this trip become? It was supposed to put me on the straight and narrow but all too easily I deviated from that path. I was surrounded by strangers falling deeper and deeper into a drug that in my eyes was the devil. Would I ever get free? Or would it eventually consume me?
The fact that I was wondering if a drug would take the reigns was a real eye opener. When you lose yourself to something you can’t control you lose yourself essentially and I couldn’t have that happen again. I couldn’t just keep lying to myself saying “Tomorrow I’ll quit” I had to actually follow through with it before it got to a point where my father would have to intervene. After all, I have too much to lose. I can’t let him have control of the B&B or of Kris’ beauty shop. I can’t be locked up in some 5-star rehab facility in Arizona, away from my Bon Temps family, away from the life I had just finally started to make for myself. This had to stop. I did something totally fucked, something that will keep me away from these new friends forever. Something that would make them never want to see my face again if only to kill me.
Now I will be the first to admit that I have done some pretty horrible things in my life but this takes the cake. Alexis, that was the girls name whose penthouse I was crashing at. She seemed to be the leader of the group, the one with the most money, the one who always giving out the drugs, the one who everyone literally took orders from. She prided herself on the fact that she had never been busted for dealing before. She said she was too smart to be busted and that even if she were to get raided the cops would never find her hiding spot beneath the floorboards. Yup that’s right, she told me and even SHOWED me where she kept all of her drugs which by the way was enough stockpile to put someone behind bars for a VERY long time. That was exactly what I intended to do, be a rat for my own benefit. I knew that if the cops were onto her she would pack up and disappear and that’s precisely what I needed her to do so that I could get away from this world I was being sucked into. I took off in the afternoon when everyone was sleeping, found a payphone and made an anonymous tip to the Miami PD. What they do with that information could possibly have this girl (who for the record showed me nothing but kindness and generosity despite how shady of an individual she was) convicted on trafficking charges.
I retreated back to Auntie Liz’s and now here I am… finally sobering up after sleeping for a day and half. My mind is still very conflicted and I don’t know what I am even doing or if I should even try to take on something so big without telling anyone. When it comes to drugs I know it’s always a good idea to have someone to lean on but I can’t tell a soul about this, I’m too ashamed. I’ve smoked almost a full pack of cigarettes since writing this diary entry which is yet another addiction I have picked up again since relapsing. My body is weak, my emotions are all over the place, my nose is thrashed not to mention the nosebleeds are unpredictable, my lungs feel damaged from the chain-smoking, and the absolute worst part is… every single craving inside me STILL wants to do more coke. I can’t leave here. I can’t go home. If I do I will succumb to the temptation again. I know I will… All I can do is lay low and let the mental want, the physical need and the yearning to use again fade. This is day two of my personal detoxification. Will I make it to day three? day four? day twelve? All I can do is hope… and wait.
